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Reflections of a Chinese mother in the West 1 A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such successful kids. They are baffled that these parents produce so many children with an abundance of talent and whether they too could raise such a child. 2 The fact is that Chinese parents do things that seem provocative unimaginable even illegal to opinionated Westerners. Chinese mothers can dispense with formal courtesies and say to an obese child who gorges on food "Hey fatty lose some weight." By contrast Western parents must be humane tiptoe around the issue talk in terms of "health" and never ever mention the f-word. And still their kids end up in therapy for eating disorders and a negative self-image. I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do and I think there are three ideological differences between Chinese and Western parents. 3 First I've noticed Western parents cradle their children's self-esteem to insulate them from criticism. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail and constantly try to solve their children's worries regardless of how badly they perform. The presumption is that the child is tender not strong and as a result Western parents behave very differently than Chinese parents. 4 For example if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test a Western parent will most likely praise the child. For a Chinese mother an A-minus is no milestone; she will gasp in displeasure and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B some Western parents though hesitant will still praise the child. Other Western parents will express disapproval but they won't question the child's intellect or risk insecurities calling the child "stupid" "worthless" or "gross". Privately Western parents may worry about their child but they will never tell the child. 5 If a Chinese child gets a B irrespective of the subject there would first be a screaming hair-tearing explosion. The Chinese mother would intensify her efforts and get dozens maybe hundreds of practice tests and use every tool at her disposal to get her child's grade up to an A. 6 Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they take it for granted that their child can get them and grades are a more important measure of success than "self-esteem". If their child doesn't get all A's the Chinese parents assume it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to punish and shame the child. Chinese parents believe that their child is hardy enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. 7 Second Chinese parents believe their kids owe them everything. The reason for this isn't clear but it's probably a combination of the Confucian doctrine of loyalty and the fact that parents have sacrificed so much for their children; so Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud. 8 Another area where Chinese and Westerners clash is that most Westerners don't believe offspring must show permanent gratitude to parents. My Western husband actually has this opposite view. "Children don't choose their parents" he once said to me. "They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who force life on their kids so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parents. 9 Third Chinese parents believe they know what's best for their children and therefore have ultimate authority over their children's desires and preferences. Chinese children have no rights to infringe which is why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and there are no late curfews or trips to sleep-away camps. Also even the slightest defiance or indignation anything less than unquestioning obedience is extinguished and punished into submission. Don't get me wrong it's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. In fact just the opposite! Chinese parents give up anything and everything to help their children. They just have an entirely different parenting model. 10 Western propaganda often paints a portrait of Asian mothers as scheming indifferent militant people unconcerned with their kids' true interests. For their part many Chinese secretly believe they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice more for them than Westerners who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly and shame their tradition and heritage. I think this is a misunderstanding on both sides. Of course there is also some overlap all decent parents want to do what's best for their children. It's the methodology that's different. 11 Westerners preach respecting the children's individuality encouraging them to pursue their true passions supporting their choices and providing a positive and nurturing environment. But while Western children may have a high opinion of themselves and glowing self-esteem how do they perform in the real world? Chinese parents protect their children by armoring them for the future letting them see what they're capable of and conferring upon them skills work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away. When the time comes to perform Chinese children have a blueprint for success; they know how to compete with the best the world has to offer. The proof is in the pudding! 一位西方华裔母亲的思考 很多人想了解中国父母是如何培养出如此成功的孩子的。他们想知道，为什么这些中国父母能养育出那么多天分极佳的孩子，他们是否也能培养出这样的孩子呢？ 事实是，中国父母的做法，对固执己见的西方人来说，令人愤慨，难以想象，甚至是违法的。中国母亲可以不客气地对正在狼吞虎咽的肥胖孩子说:“喂，小胖子，你要减肥了。”与此相反，西方父母必须体谅地、小心翼翼而拐弯抹角地谈及“健康”，而且永远都不会提及“胖”字。结果，孩子还是因为饮食紊乱和消极的自我评价得去求医问药。长期以来我一直苦思冥想，中国父母这样做是如何能够全身而退的，我认为中西方的父母之间存在三种意识形态上的差异。 首先，我注意到西方父母呵护子女的自尊，使他们免受一切批评。他们担心孩子失败后的感受，于是不断尽其所能解除子女的忧虑，而不管其表现如何糟糕。西方父母认为孩子是娇弱的，不够坚强，因此他们的行为也就与中国父母大相径庭了。 举个例子，如果一个孩子考试得了个A–回家，西方父母很可能会表扬孩子。而对中国母亲来说，A–根本不算什么好成绩；她还会不快地叹气，问到底出了什么问题。如果孩子得了B回家，一些西方父母尽管十分不情愿，仍然会表扬孩子。其他西方父母会表达出不满，但不会质疑孩子的智力，或贸然说孩子“笨蛋”、“一文不值”或“太可恶了”。而私下里，西方父母可能会感到担心，但绝不会让孩子们知道。 如果中国孩子得了B，不管什么科目，首先面临的就是一声尖叫和恼怒的爆发。中国母亲会更加不遗余力地找来几十也许几百套的测验题，不惜采取手头任何办法来让自己孩子的成绩提高到A。 中国父母要求完美的成绩，因为他们理所当然地认为孩子完全可以做到，而且分数是比“自尊”更为重要的衡量成功的标准。如果孩子没拿到全A，中国父母就认为这是因为孩子不够努力。这就是为什么对表现欠佳的孩子，父母总是会施以惩罚和辱骂。中国家长相信孩子足够坚强，能够承受羞辱，并会由此进步。 其次，中国父母认为孩子欠他们一切。这种看法的原因尚不清楚，也许是儒家“忠”的信条，再加上父母为子女牺牲诸多这一事实。因此，中国孩子必须听从父母教导，使他们自豪，终其一生回报他们。 中西方理念碰撞的另一领域是，西方人大多认为子女无须永远感激父母。我丈夫是个西方人，实际上就持有这种相反观点。“孩子又不能选择自己的父母，”他曾对我说过。“他们连要不要出生都没法选择，是父母强行给了他们生命，所以父母有责任抚养他们。孩子一点都不欠父母的，他们只对自己的子女负责任。”这话让我觉得西方父母受到的待遇真差。 第三，中国父母相信他们知道什么最适合自己的孩子，因此对子女的愿望和喜好有着至高无上的权威。中国孩子没有什么父母不能侵犯的权利，所以中国孩儿在高中不能交男朋友，孩子们不能晚回家，不能参加在外过夜的野营旅行。哪怕一丁点的反抗或愤慨，只要不是绝对地服从，都会被根除，直至压服。不要误会我——这并非中国父母不关心孩子，事实恰恰相反！中国父母放弃了他们一切的一切，来帮助自己的子女。这只是教育模式完全不同而已。 西方的宣传往往把亚洲母亲描绘为工于心计、冷漠无情，还喜欢动武，而对孩子的真正兴趣不管不顾。对许多中国人来说，他们私下里都认为自己比西方人更关心孩子，而且愿意为他们牺牲更多，而西方人似乎都乐见孩子变坏、有辱家风。我想双方都有误解。当然也有部分共同之处——普天下称职的父母都想为孩子做最好的安排，只是方式方法不同而已。 西方人宣扬尊重孩子的个性，鼓励他们去追求真正的激情，支持他们的选择，并提供积极有益的环境。但西方孩子在自视甚高、自尊极强的同时，在现实世界又会表现如何？中国父母如此磨砺子女为将来计，让其了解自己的所能，并赋予他们技能、工作习惯和内在信心这些没人能拿走的东西，这样来对孩子进行保护。到表现时机来临时，中国孩子已经成竹在胸；他们知道该如何利用自己在这个世界上所能学到的最好的本事去竞争。“布丁”好坏，一试便知！ |
