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Quotations about Sex

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Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.  ~Robert Byrne, quoted in 1,911 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, 1988

The tragedy of sexual intercourse is the perpetual virginity of the soul.  ~William B. Yeats

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.  ~Author Unknown

Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped.  ~Author Unknown

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.  ~Woody Allen

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.  ~Woody Allen

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.  ~Jay Leno

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.  ~Swami X

Men get laid, but women get screwed.  ~Quentin Crisp

It is bad enough that people are dying of AIDS, but no one should die of ignorance.  ~Elizabeth Taylor

When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave.  ~Author Unknown

A dirty book is rarely dusty.  ~Author Unknown

Sex.  In America an obsession.  In other parts of the world a fact.  ~Marlene Dietrich

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.  When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.  ~Author Unknown

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:  One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.  The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.  ~Butch Hancock

To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals.  ~Don Schrader

The best sex education for kids is when Daddy pats Mommy on the fanny when he comes home from work.  ~William H. Masters

There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered:  entertainment, food, and affection.  It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection.  As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.  When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.  Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.  ~Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.  ~Abraham Lincoln

My reaction to porn films is as follows:  After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw.  After the first 20 minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live.  ~Erica Jong, Playboy Magazine, September 1975

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.  ~Mark Twain, Notebooks, 1935

What is commonly called love, namely the desire of satisfying a voracious appetite with a certain quantity of delicate white human flesh.  ~Henry Fielding

Sex is God's joke on human beings.  ~Bette Davis

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.  ~Woody Allen

Against diseases here the strongest fence
Is the defensive vertue, Abstinence.
~Robert Herrick, "Abstinence"

Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull.  It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all.  Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill.  ~Henry Louis Mencken

AIDS obliges people to think of sex as having, possibly, the direst consequences:  suicide.  Or murder.  ~Susan Sontag

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex.  People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.  ~Elton John

There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.  ~Billy Joel

The natural man has only two primal passions, to get and beget.  ~William Osler

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it.  ~Truman Capote

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.  ~Woody Allen

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time.  ~Louise Sammons

Men wake up aroused in the morning.  We can't help it.  We just wake up and we want you.  And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"  It's because we can't see you.  We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.  ~Andy Rooney

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.  ~Author Unknown

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.  ~Groucho Marx

Sex is emotion in motion.  ~Mae West

Love's mysteries in souls do grow,
But yet the body is his book.
~John Donne, Extasy

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope?  If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!  ~George Bernard Shaw

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.  ~John Waters

For women the best aphrodisiacs are words.  The G-spot is in the ears.  He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.  ~Isabel Allende

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.  ~Woody Allen

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.  ~Woody Allen

Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around.  ~David Lodge, The British Museum Is Falling Down, 1965

Masturbation:  the primary sexual activity of mankind.  In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure.  ~Thomas Szasz

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.  ~Lily Tomlin

An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.  ~Aldous Huxley

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less.  ~Brendan Francis, Playboy, 1985

The art of procreation and the members employed therein are so repulsive, that if it were not for the beauty of the faces and the adornments of the actors and the pent-up impulse, nature would lose the human species.  ~Leonardo da Vinci

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.  ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions.  The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating.  ~Unknown psychology professor in neuropsychology course

Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.  ~George Burns

It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover.  ~Marge Piercy

Sudden acquaintance brings repentance.  ~Thomas Fuller

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.  The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.  The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."  ~Author Unknown

Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.  ~Author Unknown

Sex got me into trouble from the age of fifteen:  I'm hoping that by the time I'm seventy I'll straighten it out.  ~Harold Robbins

Nymphomaniac:  a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity.  With our education system?  If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, they've got nothing to worry about.  ~Beverly Mickins

Nature abhors a virgin - a frozen asset.  ~Clare Booth Luce

A widespread taste for pornography means that nature is alerting us to some threat of extinction.  ~J.G. Ballard, "News from the Sun," Myths of the Near Future, 1982

You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct.  ~W. Somerset Maugham, The Bread-Winner

Sex:  the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.  ~John Barrymore

It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.  ~Chinese Proverb

Chastity:  The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.  ~Aldous Huxley, Eyeless in Gaza, 1936

Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection.  ~Author Unknown

The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm.  ~Author Unknown

Out upon it, I have lov'd
Three whole days together;
And am like to love three more,
If it prove fair weather.
~John Suckling

Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.  ~Harlan Ellison

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player.  It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.  ~Casey Stengel

Sex:  the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.  ~Lord Chesterfield

Virginity can be lost by a thought.  ~St. Jerome

The tragedy is when you've got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs.  ~D.H. Lawrence

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen.  Women reach theirs at thirty-five.  Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?  ~Rita Rudner

Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires.  If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume?  ~Richard Fleischer

Sex is the great amateur art.  The professional, male or female, is frowned on:  he or she misses the point, and spoils the show.  ~David Cort

The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water:  not before or after, but instead.  ~Author Unknown

Instruction in sex is as important as instruction in food; yet not only are our adolescents not taught the physiology of sex, but never warned that the strongest sexual attraction may exist between persons so incompatible in tastes and capacities that they could not endure living together for a week much less a lifetime.  ~George Bernard Shaw, Everybody's Political What's What, 1944

Were kisses all the joys in bed,
One woman would another wed.
~William Shakespeare, Sonnets to Sundry Notes of Music, IV

Having sex is like playing bridge.  If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.  ~Woody Allen

Isn't it interesting how the sounds are the same for an awful nightmare and great sex?  ~From the television show The Golden Girls

Vanity, revenge, loneliness, boredom, all apply:  lust is one of the least of the reasons for promiscuity.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.  ~Author Unknown

The reproduction of mankind is a great marvel and mystery.  Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay.  ~Martin Luther

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky.  A woman already knows.  ~Frederike Ryder

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.  ~Bob Hope

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?  ~Murray Banks

Anticipation makes the hard-on longer.  ~Itsby Stevintary

I once knew a woman who offered her honor
So I honored her offer
And all night long I was on her and off her.
~Author Unknown

Those who have prophesied dreadful consequences as a result of the greater sexual freedom which the young assert - unwanted babies, venereal disease and so on - are usually the very same people who seek the fulfillment of their prophecies by opposing the free availability to the young of contraception and the removal of the stigma and mystification that surround venereal disease.  ~Colin Ward, Anarchy in Action

Be naughty - save Santa a trip.  ~Author Unknown

An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets.  ~Author Unknown

Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.  ~Jayne Mansfield

I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.  ~Gore Vidal

Hornover:  what one wakes up with the morning after a night of getting too horny without release.  ~Sommeil Liberosensa

The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.  ~Author Unknown

Kinky is using a feather.  Perverted is using the whole chicken.  ~Author Unknown

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.  ~Jay McInerney

I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.  ~Author Unknown

A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex.  He replied frankly:  "Because everything does."  ~Honor Tracy

How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches.  ~Flash Rosenberg

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.  ~Gloria Leonard

Its avowed purpose is to excite sexual desire, which, I should have thought, is unnecessary in the case of the young, inconvenient in the case of the middle aged, and unseemly in the old.  Malcolm Muggeridge, on pornography, Tread Softly For You Tread On My Jokes, 1966

Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important.  I mean it's not even as important (physically) as excretion.  A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement.  ~Charles Bukowski, Notes on a Dirty Old Man

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned.  Do not have sex with the authorities.  ~Matt Groening

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.  Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.  ~P.J. O'Rourke

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.  ~J. Edgar Hoover, attributed

Pornography is the attempt to insult sex, to do dirt on it.  ~D.H. Lawrence

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.  ~Author Unknown

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.  ~S.J. Perelman

It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.  ~Mrs. Patrick Campbell

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.  ~Karl Kraus

Never let the little head do the thinking for the big head.  ~Author unknown, advice to teenage boys, quoted in Friendly Advice compiled by Jon Winokur

Our love could change the orbit of the earth.  So, if a meteor ever comes hurtling towards earth with the guarantee of destruction, top scientists may call on us to, well, you know, do it like crazy for the sake of humankind.  ~Author Unknown

Nothing risqué, nothing gained.  ~Alexander Woollcott

My cock doesn't talk politics.  ~Stephal Sachs

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent.  She can't wait to disprove it.  ~Cary Grant

Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa.  ~Dorothy Parker

My message to businessmen of this country when they go abroad on business is that there is one thing above all they can take with them to stop them catching AIDS, and that is the wife.  ~Edwina Currie, quoted in The Observer, 15 February 1987

[T]he common thread that binds nearly all animal species seems to be that males are willing to abandon all sense and decorum, even to risk their lives, in the frantic quest for sex.  ~Randy Thornhill and Craig T. Palmer, A Natural History of Rape

Now, if groups like Moral Majority have their way, there won't be any sex education at school, and our kids will be the dumbest in the world when it comes to sex.... But our parents are sexually retarded too.... Fear and primitive morals are creating a sexual pressure-cooker in this country and soon the top will blow.... Only in the U.S. do we find children drawing a picture of a baby coming from the clouds or from under a cabbage leaf.  ~Floyd Martinson

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Last modified 2023 Oct 27 Sat 17:07 PDT

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