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Quotations for Women's Greetings

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You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs.  All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy.  Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping.  ~Cindy Crawford

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.  I think of them as stray eyebrows.  ~Janette Barber

The lovely thing about being forty is that you can appreciate twenty-five-year-old men more.  ~Colleen McCullough

There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them.  ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I am woman!  I am invincible!  I am pooped!  ~Author Unknown

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.  An entire garment industry would be devastated.  ~Author Unknown

Having a bottom is living with the enemy.  Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way.  ~Coupling, "Her Best Friend's Bottom," original airdate 17 September 2001, written by Steven Moffat, spoken by the character Sally

I got a postcard from my gynecologist.  It said, "Did you know it's time for your annual check-up?"  No, but now my mailman does.  ~Cathy Ladman

I want a man who's kind and understanding.  Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?  ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

I prefer the word homemaker, because housewife always implies that there may be a wife someplace else.  ~Bella Abzug

Woman's Rule of Thumb:  If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.  ~Author Unknown

Women deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of twenty-eight and forty.  ~James Thurber, Time, 15 August 1960

I really don't think I need buns of steel.  I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.  ~Ellen DeGeneres

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.  ~Helen Rowland

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.  ~Timothy Leary

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.  ~Jennifer Yane

Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.  ~Faith Whittlesey

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.  ~Henry Kissinger

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.  ~Joseph Conrad

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.  ~Robert Byrne

Can you imagine a world without men?  No crime and lots of happy fat women.  ~Attributed to both Marion Smith and Nicole Hollander

I would like it if men had to partake in the same hormonal cycles to which we're subjected monthly.  Maybe that's why men declare war - because they have a need to bleed on a regular basis.  ~Brett Butler

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.  Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.  ~Katherine Hepburn

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.  ~Author Unknown

I keep trying to lose weight... but it keeps finding me!  ~Author Unknown

Don't cook.  Don't clean.  No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum - "My God, the floor's immaculate.  Lie down, you hot bitch."  ~Joan Rivers

Women may be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.  ~James Shubert

Three wise men - are you serious?  ~Author Unknown

Home cooking:  where many a man thinks his wife is.  ~Author Unknown

Not tonight honey, wait 'til I'm a size 6.  ~Susan Reinhardt, title of book

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.  ~Author Unknown

You have to have the kind of body that doesn't need a girdle in order to get to pose in one.  ~Carolyn Kenmore

If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information:  french-fried potatoes are out.  ~Jean Kerr

A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she is.  I don't think it works like that.  I think it's the opposite.  I think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent the men become.  ~Anita Wise

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless there are three other people.  ~Orson Welles

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.  ~Irina Dunn, 1970, commonly misattributed to Gloria Steinem who had quoted Dunn

Sure God created man before woman.  But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.  ~Author Unknown

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.  ~Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard

Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.  ~Maureen Murphy

Behind every successful woman... is a substantial amount of coffee.  ~Stephanie Piro

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.  ~Paula Poundstone

Where do you go to get anorexia?  ~Shelley Winters

There are much easier things in life than finding a good man.  Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.  ~Author Unknown

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.  ~Natalie Wood

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling.  In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.  I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it.  I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?  ~Rita Rudner

Don't accept rides from strange men - and remember that all men are as strange as hell.  ~Robin Morgan

Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!  ~Attributed to Sandra J. Dykes

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.  Coincidence?  I think not!  ~Author Unknown

If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model.  Kate Moss?  Well, she would have been the paintbrush.  ~Dawn French

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.  ~Dave Barry

Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram?"  Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.  ~Jan King

The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it.  The second time you look to see if the basement has termites.  It's the same with men.  ~Lupe Velez

The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage.  ~Peggy Ryan

Sometimes I think if there was a third sex men wouldn't get so much as a glance from me.  ~Amanda Vail

You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen.  But if you are beautiful at sixty, it will be your soul's own doing.  ~Marie Stopes

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.  ~Carrie Snow

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.  ~Author Unknown

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.  ~Charlotte Whitton

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades.  I've lost a total of 789 pounds.  By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.  ~Erma Bombeck

The old theory was "Marry an older man, because they're more mature."  But the new theory is:  "Men don't mature.  Marry a younger one."  ~Rita Rudner

Men get laid, but women get screwed.  ~Quentin Crisp

Is it too much to ask that women be spared the daily struggle for superhuman beauty in order to offer it to the caresses of a subhumanly ugly mate?  ~Germaine Greer, The Female Eunuch, 1970

Women get the last word in every argument.  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.  ~Author Unknown

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Last modified 2008 Jan 13 Sun 16:44 PST

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