"She was the kind of girl who'd give a supporting wall a flying buttress."
Humphrey Kerr - Humphrey Kerr is Dymock Watson, Nazi Smasher (Pleasance Upstairs)
"My boyfriend's parents treat me like a daughter, in that they find it physically disgusting that I'm going out with their son."
Holly Walsh - Hollycopter (Pleasance Cellar)
“When I eat out in restaurants I never put a napkin on my lap. Why? Because I believe in myself.”
Hannibal Buress – My Name Is Hannibal - The Hannibal Montanabal Experience (Pleasance Upstairs)
“My friend Robbie was under the impression that he was something of a sexual powerhouse. This mistaken belief was the result of a brief relationship he had as a teenage boy with a girl with undiagnosed epilepsy.”
Benet Brandreth – The Brandreth Papers (Gilded Balloon Billiard Room)
"Celebrities buying African babies is fair enough really - after all, black doesn't show up the dirt, and it goes with anything."
DeAnne Smith - The Best DeAnne Smith DeAnne Smith Can Be (Gilded Balloon Wee Room)
"Did David Cameron and co think, 'Why don't we set up a 1980s tribute government?' "
Josie Long - The Future Is Another Place (Pleasance Queen Dome)
“She was the sort of bull-dyke who rolls her own tampons.”
Margaret Cho – Cho Dependent (Assembly Dans Paleis)
"Welcome to my comedy bunker! When I got to Edinburgh, I asked the venue's management, 'Do you have anything that looks like Hitler might have killed himself in it?' "
Mark Nelson - Guilty Pleasure (Underbelly White Belly)
"Does anyone ever watch 'Loose Women' and think maybe we didn't deserve the vote?"
Cariad Lloyd - Lady Cariad's Characters (Voodoo Rooms)
"The US government said they didn't want Osama's grave to become a shrine for terrorists - but wouldn't that have been a great way to catch terrorists?"
Glenn Wool - No Lands Man (Assembly George Square One)
-By Mark Monahan,19 Aug 2011